I thought today's post would be a focus on the frustration that comes as a somewhat side effect or sideline of anxiety. I apologise this post is slightly later than when I'd normally post on a Thursday, but the day hasn't been the greatest!
I feel like anxiety is a very complex illness in the sense that it's not as simple as it seems and it can be hard for people on the outside who don't have a thorough knowledge or personal experience of how it can be.
Anxiety is very much feeling long periods of stress and anxiousness, the every day person may get stressed when there are somewhat "normal" or "big" things to worry about. The anxiety sufferer, it is a different story and it can be pretty much anything and everything.
Along with that, the frustration can come out of nowhere and solidly knock your mood.
I frequently get a few days, where the frustration keeps kicking in and making me feel really quite crap. I get frustrated and annoyed with myself for not being able to do things as easily as everyone else and having such an annoying mind. I get exhausted from trying to block out the things other people are doing that I wish I was but can't get through without a feeling of sickness or uncomfortableness. I feel really rubbish and just question everything and my self-esteem plummets.
I feel like I isolate myself because I don't want people to see me in a situation which I may be succumbed to a panic attack or anything. It's almost as if I want to barricade myself away like the way Elsa does in Frozen, she takes herself away to her castle to be away from everyone so she doesn't hurt anyone with her frozen powers. I feel like I isolate myself away so I don't annoy or irritate others if I know a situation could cause me to panic or is causing me to panic.
I feel like these are the times when I wish I could be there for other anxiety sufferers who are also feeling these nitty gritty irritating little spikes of fury over things they wish they could do but can't. It's so hard when you really want to do something but genuinely feel like you can't physically do it/put yourself through it. This is another thing which I know first hand is really difficult to do. These things can be simple things such as going out for a meal or sitting in the middle of a row at the cinema or at a concert or bigger things such as holidays or nights out or travelling. Even going to work or volunteering can be difficult as you can fear making a mistake and fear that you will look like an idiot or be made to feel like an idiot (see the second sentence in my opening paragraph).
A lot of anxiety sufferers I'm sure can relate, as it's really quite frustrating and can really do bad on your self-esteem and confidence. You want to feel freedom and no boundaries in your life yet there are constantly things in your way stopping you from what you want to do and feeling like everybody else and managing to do things. I think it's underestimated just how debilitating, heartbreaking, frustrating, upsetting it can be sometimes.
It's also a pain because you often KNOW that you're being irrational or freaking out over something which doesn't require so much care to it, or isn't worth the worry, but you literally can't stop the worry/anxiety feelings from getting to you. You KNOW that it's ridiculous but you can't stop it or control it or calm down the thoughts easily and that's the frustrating part. Also a key thing is that the person suffering will probably always blame themselves and will always be more hard on themselves than you would ever be.
I'm not sure how to deal with it in a good way, but for me, once the mood has gone a little bit, I can try and resume where I was. I've had a lot of emotions these few months, my gap year hasn't been the brightest, there has been a lot of negative emotions in me but I think dealing with the frustrations and the anxious feelings in a good way could definitely help that! Not sure I've quite got that covered yet though!
Basically I just want to say that if you do get any of what I've explained or talked about, you are not alone and I know how you feel! And I am here for any of you that wish to speak of anything like this. Drop me a message on @firstname.lastname@example.org or @EclairsCares on Twitter!
Love & hugs